I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
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(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Investing in beetcoin
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
#Caturday
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon