I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
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Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Help Wanted
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]