The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
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The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
i like to flex on them by shrugging
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Check your privilege
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji