Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
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Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate