I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
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My kitchen overserved me.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.