New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
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Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.