My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
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Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Canada has crack?
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
this is how life feels
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
barbara was highly relatable
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns