[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
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I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
mom gave me mine for free
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.