If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
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Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
A ghost story
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.