Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
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Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??