Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
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There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”