regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
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Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?