If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
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I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”