Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
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*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh