I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
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[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
subtitles are so good nowadays
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
No. YOU-buprofen.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.