[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
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Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”