Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
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*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
This took me a second..
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter: