Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
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The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
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M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.