If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I miss this era type of pranks😭