Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
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you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Watermelon Boss!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed