when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
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lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.