sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
english majors be like furthermore
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”