moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
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I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Software Development ⛵️
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.