*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
You Might Also Like
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
🤣
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
🤣🤣🤣
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.