My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
This made me chuckle cuz mood
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Lol.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me