How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
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After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Siri: Retweet me.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
just got my engagement photos
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.