Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
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My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.