The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
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A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
a badder mouse
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.