Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
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I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese