marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
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*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving