Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
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(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
lmaaaaaooooooooo
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I am, perchance
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other