the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
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PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”