*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
*updates tinder bio*
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Sorry. Not sorry
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.