(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
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All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
do horses think humans are hats
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.