Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.