I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
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Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I’m about to risk it all
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Me trying to walk in a dream
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.