Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
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When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?