I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
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‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*pronounces woah like Noah*
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Pickled cat.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
The news is so predictable nowadays
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man