[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
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“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
taking June’s advice to heart
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
🏙👨🏼
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb