“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
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The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills