i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
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If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out