Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
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5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?