My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
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Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”