going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
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i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.