Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
You Might Also Like
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.