WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.