I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
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Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
This is a sub tweet
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks