Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
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“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem