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Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
[at the general store]
me: one general please
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
This is what makes twitter great
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”