Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
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Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂